Getting Real About My Life
Good Thursday morning ladies! I have been so busy with training sessions and webinars, I was not able to get some pictures taken and write a blog for today. I thought I would share with you girls one of my first blogs. When I first started blogging, I knew I wanted Fashion & Beauty to be the central part. I had NO CLUE what to do to get started, so I started telling my story and what I had been through.
I know God let these things happen to me, 1) because AI jumped the gun and did not wait on the Lord and 2) he turned it around for my good. I learned from these valleys I went through on how to accept where I am and how to lean on the Lord. If you want to read it…check it out below. Honestly, this is probably the “rawest” blog I have ever written. I was embarrassed
How I Got Out of An Abusive Marriage
I have struggled over writing about this for many weeks, but I feel that if I tell my story it possibly could help another woman who may be going through the same thing. It’s not a topic I like to talk about nor is it a marriage that I even acknowledge, but no matter how much I hide it or push it aside…it is still there. It’s a fact that I dealt with this and it’s a fact that it changed me in many different ways. I have told much of my story through another Article, Signs Of A Toxic Relationship and I want the focus of this to be on how I was able to get out of the marriage and how I had to listen for God and wait on Him.
In the earlier blog, I spoke of some things happened in the first few years of our marriage. I was in that marriage for quite a few years and getting out was not going to be easy. What made it easier was my husband was working in Iraq and I only saw him about three times a year. Sometimes his visits would be fine and there was no fussing or fighting, but other times it was like Hell had sat right down in my lap and the slow torture of evil had begun. He was unstable in many ways but hid it very well. He was every bit of a sociopath and narcissist with psychotic explosions, never knowing when it would happen or what would trigger an episode. You had to be ready at all times, I had to make sure there was an escape plan for my children if a full blow out occurred, I had to make sure I was ready spiritually to fight whatever was coming from the devil. And trust me, this was all from the devil….and if not for God, I would be dead today. This, I believe wholeheartedly because more than once I found myself in situations that I thought this was IT! I may not make it through the night, he’s going to go too far this time, and all you can do is PRAY!
Twice I had separation papers ready to send to him in Iraq and twice something happened in his life where I had to hold off. The first time was in early March of 2008, we were ready to send them off in a few days when I got a call from him telling me his son had just committed suicide by hanging himself. Well, I couldn’t send them at that time so I had my lawyer hold off until a late date. After the death of his son, he did change quite a bit and was not as bad as he usually was.
And Then Came Level 20
After the death of his child, his episodes were registered more at a 7, instead of a regular 9 on the scale of horror. This would not last for long, so it seemed things had calmed down…it seemed. He went back to Iraq and worked and came home late November of that year. That was the time when he went straight to a level 20, I never saw him get this deranged. As he made me sit on a chair, I saw a hammer on the floor where he had been putting a piece of furniture together….my instinct was to move it, but I did not….surely he would not pick that up…he had never hit me with anything like that.
He begins to talk and ramble and his delusions were simply mind boggling, I sat there thinking what move I should make..should I get up and get the kids out, would he let me? Should I be submissive and quiet and listen to him and try to keep him calm? Well, he definitely wasn’t going to let me leave so I opted to be quiet and listen. My son sat on the loveseat near me while he went on and on and on with a fury. When suddenly he did exactly what I thought he would not do. He picked that hammer up and he held it above his head and his face looked like it morphed into a demon. The fear that went through me is unexplainable. I pulled my legs up in the recliner and had my hands above my head screaming I’m Sorry and to Stop! (Yes, when someone is delusional and abusive you will say you are sorry for anything….even if it never happened….you try to calm them down, you are scared to strike out, in fear it will only make it worse on you). I watched him with my hands covering my head and he came down with the hammer. He came down with the full force of a man–he came down with that hammer and hit the table that was beside me and put a hole through it.
OMG…for four hours I sat there crying, having to ask if I could get up to use the bathroom, being mocked of my religion and called every name in the book. I did get my son up and out, but I was still at his mercy. (My son is the only child that saw anything ever go on and he never saw much, but once was too much. I am thankful my daughter never saw anything–for some reason he hid that side of him from her). I was sitting there while he paced back and forth, rambling on about anything and everything. In my mind I was praying, Lord please don’t let him hurt me or my kids. I silently prayed and prayed and prayed. Eventually things calmed down, but trust me…I slept with one eye open until he went back to Iraq. He left and when he did, I started my planning on getting him out. I had a good job, I had money, the house was mine, I could stand on my own two feet….and I had God on my side.
Strength Comes When We Least Expect It
Now let me tell you something about the devil..he is cunning and slicker than a peeled onion! I was always looking and trying to figure out what his next move would be. I know my husband knew something was up, because my tone had changed. My actions had changed, I no longer answered an instant message right away, I no longer picked the phone up when he called each time, I no longer cared.
What I did care about, was getting on my knees, cause I knew this was going to be a battle in the spiritual world and I could not do this all by myself. As I’m ready to send those separation papers back off, low and behold he is being sent to Kuwait and we find out he has a cancerous tumor in his intestines. I thought dear Lord are you kidding me? I held off on the papers and yet again something has come up to stop this process.
When he had an episode he was like a demon from hell trying to destroy anything in his path, but when he was himself…he was one of the best people you could meet. He bought or tried to buy forgiveness with vacations or sending extra money each month…..it was a never ending cycle, but it had to stop. And one way or another I was going to stop this cycle of terror I had gotten myself in to.
I stood by him as he went through surgery and recovery, but he knew there was a HUGE change in me. I had been on my knees for months, I had studied the Word of God for months, I had to learn how to fight spiritually for months and I was ready for the battle that was coming….and it was coming! After his recovery he was not able to go back to Iraq, so he was home…100% of the time. You want to talk about walking on eggshells, Oh my gahhhh! I hated leaving work, I truly hated being at that house.
I Finally Made the MOVE
He blew the majority of the money that he made in Iraq giving it away or on silly things not needed, so he was depending on me now. And then one day after work he started with me and I knew this was going to be a doozy! My phone was in my back pocket and he was coming towards me while I was in the kitchen, I had a glass of milk in my hand and I was standing near the door. I dropped the glass and I got out the door as fast as I could. Somehow my phone dialed my boss on her cell phone and she called the police.
Yes, the police came out and he walked over to them shaking hands and telling them I assaulted him and blah blah blah blah! I knew it, it was one of his best friends….needless to say, I had to pack up and leave if I felt threatened because he didn’t have to leave, according to his friend…EYE ROLL!!! So I had to push my kids off on my brothers for almost a week to make sure they stayed away from the drama. I stayed at my mom’s house and as I sat there thinking that I got ran out of my own home, where I pay all the bills and he was sitting back taking no responsibility for his actions….I’m telling you something came up in me that I had never felt before and I was no longer scared…I was Fearless!
I went back to my house, I walked in that door and I told him he was leaving and I didn’t care how much it cost me, he was leaving. Within a few days he starts talking about suicide and how he was going to kill me and the kids–I did not waiver, I looked him square in the eye and said DO IT! “At this point I do not care what happens!” I had never been this bold to him, he whimpered down, which gave me more power to stand up to him.
I continued to be bold and when he started fussing, I would quote scripture after scripture and look in his face and rebuke the devil that was standing there in front of me. I’m not joking guys, it was a HUGE spiritual war going on and I was not going to give one more inch. I had never had this much confidence in my spirituality nor my ability to fight the devil. I now know what prayers can do and I now know the ability we have against demonic influences on this Earth.
Confirmation Comes In Many Different Forms
I did not know what move I was going to make and I can remember one Sunday morning I was at church and it was during Praise and Worship….I felt it. I’m singing and I’m thanking God for all he has done for me and then I heard the Lord. Now some people will say I’m crazy, but if you have never experienced it before then you can’t make an observation like that. I did not hear audible words, I did not put a sentence together in my mind, it flooded my mind all at once. It was a projection of words hitting you square in the face at a fast speed. You don’t have time to read it…you already know what it says. And the words that came to me was….I AM HERE! That’s all, but it hit me so hard that I had to catch my breath and try not to break down crying or fall to my knees, for it felt like the power of God had just hit me. That’s how strong it felt..it was the most powerful thing I have ever encountered. And from that point on, I knew I would be free and I would have a hedge of protection around me completely.
So my husband continued to talk about killing himself and I finally got the idea one day that I had some power as his wife and he was a threat to himself and others. So I took him straight to our local Hospital and they put him under suicide watch. He was there for about 3 weeks and then they transferred him to a Mental Hospital where he stayed at least four more weeks. I gave him his separation papers while at the hospital and I told him he was never coming back to my house and I’d pay him out as much as he needed to get him on his feet. The doctor called me from that mental hospital and told me to NEVER let him back around me and to be vigilant in my surroundings because he was a definite threat. The exact words were “if he comes back around you…he will hurt or kill you”.
Needless to say, you guys know the ending, he ended up going on about his life! Although he did not change, he remarried and took a hammer to his next wife and beat her in the head, knees, and hands almost to the point of death, but she made it.
I saw God move in my life, I saw His power, I felt comfort in a time of need. I knew He had me in his hand, I knew HE WAS THERE! Some people will say this is all fairy tales and make believe when it comes to God and the devil…..oh no my friend, it is not. I have felt that touch from God and I know – that I know – that I know…HE EXISTS and HE watches over me. And for that, I will serve Him with a strong heart and spread the word on just how HE delivered me from many things in life. God’s movement in this particular situation can only be described as extraordinary, this abusive man would not have left on his own, who thought he would end up in a mental facility? Why would he agree to go to the Hospital? And who knew he would actually tell a doctor that he was suicidal? Only God my friend….He is the only way….
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Girl…my coffee this morning may have a couple of tears in it. It was very hard for me to read your story because I can only imagine the pain, both physically and emotionally, that you and your children went through. I know people like your ex-husband do exist and the strength that you had to put your faith in God and rely on him to get you through helps me understand more why you share your love of the Lord in such a powerful way. So many times we “take it to the Lord in prayer” but waiting and wanting an answer right away is so hard. I don’t know you personally Beverly but I am trying to picture HIS light surrounding you when you heard him speak to you and you knew exactly what you had to do and the strength you got from that to move yourself out of this situation. How liberating that must have felt. And what a blessing that the Lord led you and Barry to meet so that you can truly feel what it is like to be “loved” by a husband. Hugs to you for sharing your story, again, for those of us that have just recently started reading your blog. God is Good ALL the time!
Oh lord Sandy—now I’m boo hooing!! Thank you so much for those kind words. I am very blessed to have Barry and even though we went through a lot in the past, it helped make me who I am. I am so thankful for the mother I have to be such an inspiration because she was right there helping me and teaching me everything I needed to know spiritually. Wow!! Such a sweet comment!! Thank you so much Sandy!! I’m so humbled and I’m so tickled I have found you girls as friends!!!
Lee Ann Wright
What an amazing story about an amazing God. I am so sorry you had to endure such a horrible relationship. I am so thankful that you realized you were fighting a spiritual battle and you were armed, prepared and ready for the enemy. May you continue to grow in your relationship with Christ. He will fight our battles for us . . . it is up to us to be prepared each day. Put on that armor and fight!
Thank you so much Lee Ann!!! That means so much to me!! And boy you are speaking truth when you said it’s up to us to be prepared each day!! I got chills lol
All I can say is Bless your heart and I’m so happy you found the strength to get away. I’ve never experienced anything like that but have a sister who came pretty close. She got away too. You’re remarkable and wish you continued happiness with Barry.
Thanks Johnna!! God certainly blessed me with Barry!! I’m so thankful for you girls, thank you for being you!!! I have not met you, but I feel like I know you. I’m so thankful Tania was able to pull all of us together!! 🤗
Thank you for sharing this! God is good! Love you 😘
Thank you Ramona!!! Have a great Thursday!!!!🤗
What a testimony to God’s care and strength. I don’t question you’re experience with God at all. Like you, I KNOW I’ve heard God’s voice and have felt him so many times. He is real and He will give us what we need. Thank you for your story.
Amen!!! Love that comment!! Thank you soooo much for your comment!! Love it!!!!🤗
God Bless you Beverly for being so strong and God is sow good and he speaks to us when we need it the most. You are so brave and strong and I’m so happy you have found happiness with Barry. Hugs sweet lady!
Thank you Terrsa!! You are so true!! I am so glad I have all you girls. You are all so sweet and such wonderful women!! Thank you!!!!! Have a great day!!!
Wow! This may sound strange but since I have been reading your blog and sharing with you in the comments I have felt a kind of spiritual connection and wasn’t quite sure why. I got married right out of high school and two weeks after I turned 18 years old. It was to a man that I thought was everything that I wanted in a husband. What I didn’t know was that he had hidden from me that he was an alcoholic and drug user. After we married he no longer could hide it and the horror began. I grew up an only child with two very wonderful and loving parents. I had never experienced the type of lifestyle that I now found myself in and it was insane. I can remember one night in particular he was so drunk and high that he was hallucinating and raised his hand to hit me. He worked at Sturm Ruger and had guns in the house so this scared me to death. I waited until he fell asleep then called my parents to please come and get me and the kids. I told them to turn the car engine off and just coast into the driveway and that I would hand the children out to them and if he woke up to just leave with the kids as quickly as they could. They lived about an hour away so I waited and I prayed. That was just one terrifying occasion of more than I can count. To make a very long story short we were married for 4 years but it seemed like a lifetime. I remember praying and praying and not knowing what to do or how to do it. When I got married I had meant it for life but I knew that I couldn’t stay in this insane environment for the safety of myself and especially my two young children. One night as I was nursing my son I prayed fervently for the strength to leave as the tears spilled down onto the side of my baby’s face. Like you I heard the Lord speak to me and the words that I heard was “everything is going to be alright for I am with you”. After that I found the strength that I never knew that I had. I am so very sorry for all that you have been through! I am also so very very thankful that you and your children are safe and are now living a much safer and more stable life!! Thank you for sharing your life and heart with us 🙂
I have felt the same way Kelly!! Wow!! You are an inspiration and reading your comment made me tear up!! Wow!! I grew up the same way you did, I never had been in chaos and abuse. I’m so thankful for my parents and how they taught me. I’m so glad you were able to get out also. We have so much in common!! Definitely sisters in Christ. I got chills reading your comment-you are a blessing Kelly!!!!! 😘 I’m so glad I met you!!!
Bless you Beverly. Thank you for sharing your story. God is always faithful.
Amen Molly!!! Thank you so much for your comment!!!🤗
Wow! Just wow! Thank you for sharing that. God is so faithful and He is most assuredly real. Thank you girlfriend for reposting this. God is simply amazing. – Amy
Thanks Amy!! I agree. He is amazing!!!! Thanks for the comment!!!!😘