I have noticed that quite a few of my Facebook friends have dealt with miscarriages and the effects of it. I have not shared this story with many, but I felt it might help someone and be an encouragement. When I was in my twenties, I got pregnant with my first baby-excitement , fear, every emotion you could imagine poured through me. I was so scared of being a mom, but excited to have my very own child, it was an emotional roller coaster. I went to the obstetrician and everything was going great until I reached 18 weeks. I woke up one morning and I had started bleeding, not bad, but more than spotting. I called the OBGYN and they told me to stay off my feet for a few days. So this meant I would have to miss work, because at this time I was working in retail and stood all day long. I did as the doctor requested and things got better. So off to work I went, within a day or two I was bleeding again and this time they told me to come into the office.
So, I stayed out of work until I could go to my appointment and stayed off my feet. When I got to the doctor and they looked over me, they told me the placenta was torn. I had to be on bed rest and if it continued I needed to come back. Remember this was in the early 90’s and things weren’t as advanced as they are now. I did as I was told and the bleeding never stopped. I was very concerned and they had me go back up to Raleigh to the OBGYN’s office and they checked me again. they told me that my uterus was not strong enough to carry a child past 5 months and my little baby would be born stillborn or I would miscarry. I was told I would not be able to have children and for the safety of my life, they needed to take the baby.
I’m not going to lie, I went home confused, upset, scared and absolutely lost at the idea I could not have kids. After I talked with my husband and my mom, we all decided that we should comply with what the doctor had advised us. I was not at ease with this decision in the least, but I was young and I felt everyone knew more than me and I should listen to these medial professionals. They took me on in and prepared me emotionally and mentally to what the procedure entailed. I still was not comfortable with this, but I didn’t want to die either and that’s how they made me feel…I possibly could die or hemorrhage to death.
The procedure took place and we found out I was borderline on being a free bleeder. When I woke up from the surgery I could not lift my head, all I could do was look around at the ceiling and hear people vaguely calling my name. I heard them spout off my blood pressure and I do remember the top number was 43. OMG….it hit me at that point something went wrong. I found out that I nearly died on that table because I was bleeding to he point they were having trouble stopping it. They wanted to give me blood and I was admitted into the hospital. My Mom stayed with me all day and all night and prayed like no other. I was able to lift my head and sit half way up by dinner that night. By 9pm I was able to sit completely up and I did not need a blood transfusion and by 12 midnight I was walking around. The doctor said it was a miracle, he had not seen someone bounce back that quickly before and you could tell he was definitely shocked at my recovery speed.
He sat down with me and told me that I needed to think about having a hysterectomy in the near future, I was flabbergasted and in total shock again! I chose to continue on and not get a hysterectomy and roll the dice. I believed God had his hand on me and if it was His will for me to have children then he would allow it. The very next year I was pregnant again. I was scared and happy, I did not want to go through what I had went through the previous year. I decided I would do everything right and push forward and try.
I was 20 weeks and I woke up on a Saturday morning cramping. I went through the entire day not feeling well with pains hitting me every couple hours. I called my OBGYN and they told me, straight up very bluntly – if you are going to miscarry there is nothing we can do. I needed to go to the nearest hospital if it got worse. Seriously, I was dumbfounded by their reaction. Why couldn’t they stop it? Why didn’t they tell me to come on to Raleigh? I don’t know, things were different back then than they are now and I stayed at home and stayed off my feet and waited it out. By 2 that afternoon I was in so much pain (Mind you I called the OBGYN two more times that morning) that I was rolling in the bed back and forth and it was the worst pain I had ever endured. My husband was asleep on the couch and I got up out of the bed to get him, we had to go to the hospital – I couldn’t take it no more.
As I stepped on the floor my water broke and I ran into the bathroom where I had that baby within seconds of getting in there. I sat there looking and very calmly called him to come into the bathroom. When he opened the door I literally lost it. I was crying hysterically, there was blood everywhere and he stood there freaking out. It literally looked like someone had been murdered in our bathroom. The baby was still attached to me and I had to get his shorts on and he got me to the hospital within 10 minutes. I was pale, white as a ghost and I looked liked I literally been living on the streets for months. I literally almost died again. They got me in the ER and got me in a room off to the side and left me there after they got an IV in me.
To my surprise, when the doctor walked in, he came in with 8 interns all staring at me. You want to talk about being embarrassed? I was dying, all these people looking at me, half naked with my child lying there. I could not believe it! They asked me over and over, what drugs I took, and I kept saying, “I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink, I don’t do anything.” I literally thought life could not get any worse than this. I was in total shock at this point and I totally put my mind somewhere else. I shut down completely. They did what they had to do and shot me up with something to help me clot and told my husband I would not be released till around midnight. It was about 9:30 then and he took his son and left to get them something to eat. So I was there alone and low and behold they come in and tell me I can leave. What?
I slowly got dressed and I could only take baby steps as I walked through the lobby of the Cape Fear Valley Hospital with all eyes on me. Yes, trust me, I was being stared down cause I looked like DEATH, a pure ghost! I walked outside and did not see my husband nor our car and then I saw from a distance him turning back in to the hospital entrance. He pulled the car around and backed into a parking spot and I slowly started walking towards him. This was a nightmare guys, I had to walk out alone and it was so embarrassing and I felt like just giving up, period. I looked so much different than I normally do – like I looked dead – my own husband did not recognize me when I was walking to the car. When I got in, he said I just told Jesse to look at that woman, she must be really bad off….what a shocker to realize it was ME! After a few weeks at home I went back to work and life continued.
A year later I found myself pregnant again, this time I miraculously carried this child full term and had Chase one day before his due date. I was blessed with this child that the doctors said I couldn’t have! God proved them wrong! Life was wonderful, I had this baby boy that gave me a reason to get up each day and made me smile for no reason. I was happy and I was blessed!
One year after Chase was born I became pregnant again, we were trying to have another one, in spite of what the doctors said…we really thought I was healed. I miscarried that child at 21 weeks and I was devastated again. Doctors were changing by this time and they were able to take me in the hospital and handle things without me nearly dying. I had made my mind up that I was blessed with one child and I was fine with that.
Fast forward 5 years and I found myself pregnant with Raegan. I was scared and I was worried I would yet again miscarry. It was the absolute worst pregnancy I could imagine. I hurt and was sick from day one. I had a rare blood disorder that only 1% women get that through my body into a starvation mode. In other words at 6 months I had lost 11 lbs instead of gaining. I was sick as a dog. They put me on medicine and I gained nearly 100 pounds in 2 months which pulled my joints apart at the hips and I could barely walk. I had her at 35 weeks and she was healthy. A little girl and a little boy, God blessed me with two children. they were meant to be with me and everything I had went through was worth it. I was their Mom, they were mine. I appreciated those children more than you could imagine and I still do to this day.
If you have went through anything like this, don’t give up. God works in mysterious ways and He has everything under control. I learned to lean on Him and I learned to trust. I do not take my kids for granted, for I know that they are 100% put on this Earth by God himself.
Years later I did eventually get a hysterectomy, but I had what the doctors said I couldn’t have. I carried 2 children and was a mom. They said no and God said YES! God Bless all you women that have suffered this, for I know that it takes a mighty big toll on your mind and body. Keep the faith! I find comfort in knowing I have three children in Heaven that await their Mom’s arrival. I find myself tearing up as I wrote that and I long to see their little faces and touch them. Until I meet them one day….
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