I have struggled over writing about this for many weeks, but I feel that if I tell my story it possibly could help another woman who may be going through the same thing. It’s not a topic I like to talk about nor is it a marriage that I even acknowledge, but no matter how much I hide it or push it aside…it is still there. It’s a fact that I dealt with this and it’s a fact that it changed me in many different ways. I have told much of my story through another Article, Signs Of A Toxic Relationship and I want the focus of this to be on how I was able to get out of the marriage and how I had to listen for God and wait on Him.
In the earlier article I spoke of some things happened in the first few years of our marriage. I was in that marriage for almost a decade and getting out was not going to be easy. What made it easier was my husband was working in Iraq and I only saw him about three times a year. Sometimes his visits would be fine and there was no fussing or fighting, but other times it was like Hell had sat right down in my lap and the slow torture of evil had begun. He was unstable in many wabut hid it very well. He was every bit of a sociopath and narcissist with psychotic explosions, never knowing when it would happen or what would trigger an episode. You had to be ready at all times, I had to make sure there was an escape plan for my children if a full blow out occurred, I had to make sure I was ready spiritually to fight whatever was coming from the devil. And trust me, this was all from the devil….and if not for God, I would be dead today. This I believe wholeheartedly because more than once I found myself in situations that I thought this was IT! I may not make it through the night, he’s going to go too far this time, and all you can do is PRAY!
Twice I had separation papers ready to send to him in Iraq and twice something happened in his life where I had to hold off. First time was in early March of 2008, we were ready to send them off in a few days, when I got a call from him telling me his son had just committed suicide by hanging himself. Well, I couldn’t send them at that time so I had my lawyer hold off until a better time. After the death of his son he did change quite a bit and was not as bad as he usually was. Now, when I say this I’m saying if he was having an episode, instead of being a full blown 10, after the death of his child his episodes were registered more at a 7. This would not last for long. He went back to Iraq and worked and came home late November of that year. That was the time when he went straight to a level 20, I never saw him get this deranged. As he made me sit on a chair, I saw a hammer on the floor where he had been putting a piece of furniture together….my instinct was to move it, but I did not….surely he would not pick that up…he had never hit me with anything of that magnitude.
He begins to talk and ramble and his delusions were simply mind boggling, I sat there thinking what move I should make..should I get up and get the kids out, would he let me? Should I be submissive and quiet and listen to him and try to keep him calm? Well he definitely wasn’t going to let me leave so I opted to be quiet and listen. My son sat on the loveseat near me while he went on and on and on with fury. When suddenly he did exactly what I thought he would not do. He picked that hammer up and he held it above his head and his face looked like it morphed into a demon. The fear that went through me is unexplainable. I pulled my legs up in the recliner and had my hands above my head screaming I’m Sorry and to Stop! (Yes, when someone is delusional and abusive you will say you are sorry for anything….even if it never happened….you try to calm them down, If you strike out, it only makes it worse on you). I watched him with my hands covering my head and he came down with the hammer. He came down with the full force of a man–he came down with that hammer and hit the table that was beside me and put a hole through it.
OMG…for four hours I sat there crying, having to ask if I could get up to use the bathroom, being mocked of my religion and called every name in the book. I did get my son up and out, but I was still t his mercy. (My son is the only child that saw anything ever go on and it was not much, but once was too much. I am thankful my daughter never saw anything–for some reason he hid that side of him from her). I was sitting there while he paced back and forth, rambling on about anything and everything. In my mind I was praying, Lord please don’t let him hurt me or my kids. I silently prayed and prayed and prayed. Eventually things calmed down, but trust me…I slept with one eye open until he went back to Iraq. He left and when he did, I started my planning on getting him out. I had a good job, I had money, the house was mine, I could stand on my own two feet….and I had God on my side.
Now let me tell you something about the devil..he is cunning and slicker than a peeled onion! I was always looking and trying to figure out what his next move would be. I know my husband knew something was up, because my tone had changed. My actions had changed, I no longer answered an instant message right away, I no longer picked the phone up when he called each time, I no longer cared. What I did care about, was getting on my knees, cause I knew this was going to be a battle in the spiritual world and I could not do this all by myself. As I’m ready to send those separation papers back off, low and behold he is being sent to Kuwait and we find out he has a cancerous tumor in his intestines. I thought dear Lord are you kidding me? I held off on the papers yet again and I will tell you why. When he had an episode he was like a demon from hell trying to destroy anything in his path, but when he was himself…he was one of the best people you could meet. He bought or tried to buy forgiveness with vacations or sending extra money each month…..it was a never ending cycle, but it had to stop. And one way or another I was going to stop this cycle of terror I had gotten myself in to.
I stood by him as he went through surgery and recovery, but he knew there was a HUGE change in me. I had been on my knees for months, I had studied the Word of God for months, I had learn how to fight spiritually for months and I was ready for the battle that was coming….and it was coming! After his recovery he was not able to go back to Iraq, so he was home…100% of the time. You want to talk about walking on egg shells, Oh my gahhhh! I hated leaving work, I hated being at that house. He blew the majority of his money that he made in Iraq so he was depending on me now. And then one day after work he started with me and I knew this was going to be a doozy! My phone was in my back pocket and he was coming towards me while I was in the kitchen, I had a glass of milk in my hand and I was standing near the door. I dropped the glass and I got out the door as fast as I could. Somehow my phone dialed my boss on her cell phone and she called the police.
Yes the police came out and he walked over to them shaking hands and telling them I assaulted him and blah blah blah blah! I knew it, it was one of his best friends….needless to say, I had to pack up and leave if I felt threatened because he didn’t have to leave, according to his friend…EYE ROLL!!! So I had to push my kids off on my brothers for almost a week to make sure they stayed away from the drama. I stayed at my mom’s house and as I sat there thinking that I got ran out of my own home, where I pay all the bills and he was sitting back taking no responsibility for his actions….I’m telling you something came up in me that I had never felt before and I was no longer scared…I was Fearless!
I went back to my house, I walked in that door and I told him he was leaving and I didn’t care how much it cost me, he was leaving. Within a few days he starts talking about suicide and how he was going to kill me and the kids–I did not waiver, I looked him square in the eye and said DO IT! At this point I do not care what happens! I had never been this bold to him, he whimpered down, which gave me more power to stand up to him. I continued to be bold and when he started fussing, I would quote scripture after scripture in look in his face and rebuke the devil that was standing there in front of me. I’m not joking guys, it was a HUGE spiritual war going on and I was not going to give one more inch. I had never had this much confidence in my spirituality nor my ability to fight the devil. I now know what prayers can do and I now know the ability we have against demonic influences on this Earth.
I did not know what move I was going to make and I can remember one Sunday morning I was at church and it was during Praise and Worship….I felt it. I’m singing and I’m thanking God for all he has done for me and then I heard the Lord. Now some people will say I’m crazy, but if you have never experienced it before then you can’t make an observation like that. I did not hear audible words, I did not put a sentence together in my mind, it flooded my mind all at once. It was a projection of words hitting you square in the face at a fast speed. You don’t have time to read it…you already know what it says. And the words that came to me was….I AM HERE! That’s all, but it hit me so hard that I had to catch my breath and try not to break down crying or fall to my knees, for it felt like the power of God had just hit me. That’s how strong it felt..it was the most powerful thing I have ever encountered. And from that point on, I knew I would be free and I would have a hedge of protection around me completely.
So my husband continued to talk about killing himself and I finally got the idea one day that I had some power as his wife and he was a threat to himself and others. So I took him straight to Betsy Johnson Hospital and they put him under suicide watch. He was there for about 3 weeks and then they transferred him to Dorothea Dix Mental Hospital where he stayed at least four weeks. I gave him his separation papers while at Betsy Johnson and I told him he was never coming back to my house and I’d pay him out as much as he needed to get him on his feet. The doctor called me from that mental hospital and told me to NEVER let him back around me and to be vigilant in my surroundings because he was a definite threat.
Needless to say you guys know the ending, he ended up going on about his life and took a hammer to his next wife and beat her in the head, knees and hands almost to the point of death, but she made it. I saw God move in my life, I saw His power, I felt comfort in a time of need. I knew He had me in his hand, I knew HE WAS THERE! Some people will say this is all fairy tales and make believe when it comes to God and the devil…..oh no my friend, it is not. I have felt that touch from God and I know – that I know – that I know…HE EXISTS and HE watches over me. And for that, I will serve Him with a strong heart and spread the word on just how HE delivered me from many things in life. God’s movement in this particular situation can only be described as extraordinary, this abusive man would not have left on his own, who thought he would end up in a mental facility? Why would he agree to go to Betsy Johnson Hospital? And who knew he would actually tell a doctor that he was suicidal? Only God my friend….He is the only way….
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