Signs of a Toxic Relationship and a Little of My Story
I thought long and hard over the past four or five days about what I would write about next and as I would read me Facebook news feed I see the same thing over and over….people who are hurt, people getting cheated on, people thinking they found love one week and in two weeks they hate each other….friends going at it., controversy over every little thing going on in the world today……its a never ending cycle. So what do we do, we as the Facebook community that is watching all this go down? We sit back and read your posts and think..oh my gah….did you read that???….. eat popcorn…watch the show…..and boy is it a show!
So, we post everything in our lives..not everyone does this, but this is a coping mechanism for some. They have to get the hurt and frustration out….so we lash out on social media till we are over our hurt. And that’s fine….each to his own, right?? Social media can be a support group when needed, so if that’s how you deal with issues then do your thing! But, how do we start to identify when there is a toxic person in our life? Toxic people come in all forms, girlfriends, boyfriends, friends, spouses, bosses and the list goes on. So I’m going to share with you a part of my life that I have kept hid, a marriage I don’t even recognize, a mistake that was the hardest thing to get out of that I have ever experienced. I’m sharing this in hopes that it will help someone, inspire someone and motivate someone to realize that if you are in a relationship that is toxic, staying does NOT help…it only becomes a new way of life, a new normal for you.
I met this guy in my younger years and boy sugar couldn’t melt in his mouth. He played his cards just right, said all the right things, did all the right things…that alone should have been a red flag right there! HAHA! Seriously though, he was a bit clingy, more than I was used to. He would show up at my home unannounced or call way more than I thought he should. I shrugged it off thinking he really liked me. Well, this went on for a LONG time and we eventually married. Never had an argument, never had a harsh word said between us…he was just as sweet as I could ever have asked for. One week after our marriage we had our first mild disagreement. He walked out of the house and I slammed the door behind him. Not a hard slam, just a medium slam. I went to the bedroom and sat on my bed and thought….dang, what just happened?? Why did he get mad over something so trivial?? Then all of a sudden I heard a boom and my bedroom door went flying to the other side of the room. YES, he kicked the door in…the one that was not locked, just shut. I sat there on that bed, watched that door fly right past me and hit the wall and knock over a potted plant. I looked back at him bewildered and said, “Ummm, the door was unlocked….you’re going to fix that”. He was in a rage, I still sat there looking at him like HOLY MOLEY! I’ve never seen a person act like this. ( And I was the younger sister of 2 boys that kicked my butt on a weekly schedule).
I was on edge after that moment and as the days went by the tension in the air was so thick it could choke a horse. Now I’m the type of person that says what I want to say then I’m done. BUT…I want you to listen to me, I want you to engage with me, and if you’ve hurt me…then I want you to say you’re sorry. (I have now learned to let it all go…it is what it is….I just move on about my day and let things go…but back then I was younger and not as wise, but still wanted to be heard). The tension continued and we were in a heated conversation one night and he left our living room and laid on the bed in our bedroom. After a few minutes, I walked in there because I didn’t want hard feelings..I wanted to get past this and make up. (Remember, we had not argued any prior to marriage, I had no clue how he dealt with issues). I sat beside him on our bed and put my hand on his leg and said we need to talk. His response was to leave him alone. He didn’t seem mad, just distant. I stood up beside the bed and put my hand on his lower leg and said I’m sorry that we are arguing. By this time I had moved to the end of the bed, hands to myself. He said, “If you touch me again I will slam you on the ground”. What???? No way…I don’t know men that act like this…he was obviously running his mouth. He wasn’t loud, nor did he act like he was about to lose it. Sooooo, me with my infamous humor, took my index finger and lightly touched the tip of his big toe. Dude, that’s one toe I wish I never touched. Before I knew it, he had got up out of the bed, grabbed me and slammed me on the floor. My head hit the floor so hard I was stunned for a few seconds, could have been a minute. I wobbled trying to get my bearings and as I sat up I got splashed with a huge glass of soda, right in the face…..then drug into the living room by the hair of my head and thrown on the couch.
At this point I was fearful and I mean fearful for my life, he was out of control and I was the target of his anger and I had no clue what was coming. He walks back and forth threatening me, calling me names and this went on for HOURS!!! I means HOURS!!!!!! Honestly, we were getting close to about 3 AM when he decided he would go through my wallet, take my debit card, checkbook…he looked at my debit card, read my name out and said you’re changing that last name you B! I muttered out the words, I sure as heck am! Whoa….should have kept my mouth shut. He barreled at me, grabbed me by the head and slung me around the living room…I mean my feet were in the air as he was slinging me!
I got about an hour of sleep and got up and went to work, I could barely swallow for about two weeks because my neck was stretched out so bad, All I wanted to do was make it through the night and I was leaving…
When I got home from work that day he met me at the door, and boy did he break down with a sob story, crying, oh I never will do that again. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, I don’t know why I did you like that. Please forgive me and it went on and on for an hour at least. (If these things are said to you then they are a LIE!! They will do it again). He played me! He wiggled his way in and found a tender spot in my heart and played me! I let him stay and let me tell you, he was great for about two weeks. Two weeks only and it started over again. It was a continuous cycle. I learned how to keep my mouth shut, I learned his moods, I learned to do what it took to keep him in a good mood. Cause when he was good..he was great, but when he hit that instant bad/mad at the world mood…OMG…your reaction could mean life or death!
So, the signs of a toxic person….I learned them so here we go. They belittle you and make you feel you are not worthy. They blame you for everything that goes wrong, you are incompetent. You will never amount to nothing, without them YOU ARE NOTHING!! They tell you these things to knock down your self esteem and to get you right under their thumb. They want you subservient to them. They control the money, they control YOUR money, you find yourself trying to put money back to save and you hide it from him/her. They don’t like you being with your family. When you go to see your family, you can bet a fight will ensue when you get back home. This happens so much you slowly but surely fade away from your family. It’s even worse if you go out or hang around your friends.
Friends, oh my….you can’t even talk on the phone to your friends in fear of an argument starting. And if you do go out with friends and you’re not texting your mate every 10 minutes and come in at least by 9 then get ready…you will be accused of cheating and everything under the sun!!! No matter what you do to try and convince this person you love them and you would never cheat, they will twist everything you say and do totally backwards and make you look like the bad guy. EVERY TIME!!! there is no winning with a person like this. They are a sociopath and they are good at what they do. They’ve perfected their skills since childhood.
They will be the dominant person in the relationship, they will use techniques to put you in fear. Getting loud, cussing, they will always need to be in control and you be the weaker partner. They want you to need them to survive and will continue to do what ever it takes to get you in the position that you depend on them for survival. They lack a conscience and will do anything to get what they want. There are no boundaries with them, they will blow your phone up with calls and texts ALL day long! Your life, your job….it will all come second to them. You will eventually go along with everything they want you to do just to bring peace to your life. I stayed with mine for years before I got up the nerve to kick him out. And it wasn’t easy….it took A LOT of GOD and it took me pushing him into a mental facility. That won’t work for everyone, but in my case…it was my only choice.
Listen to what I’m saying here, whether you are a girl or a boy in this situation, if you are with someone who is even close to what I have described….RUN like your life depended on it! Because honestly…..it may!! If you are grumbling about your partner a lot….stop and start thinking why. You may be dealing with a master manipulator and they can stir up STRONG emotions in you and you may bend over backwards to please them and they only try to please you when they think they have went too far hurting you…..they fear you may leave…they pour the sugar on then. Your self esteem has dwindled to nearly nothing, you dread seeing them pull up at your house or even spending time with them.Some people resort to unhealthy measures to cope with these type of people just so they feel like they can make it another day. They may drink their way to oblivion or resort to taking prescription medicines to “forget” or to sleep through life. You will become withdrawn and unhappy.
Trust me, it doesn’t get better and the only way to break those chains is to leave. It’s almost like you have to search deep inside you for that person that is strong, and slowly pull yourself up and get yourself out.
Remember that you are dealing with a narcissist, you’re always wrong and they are always right, they are smug, self righteous. You are in constant judgment by them, falsely accused of looking at a person, flirting, cheating…you learn to keep your head down when the opposite sex walks by…that way you avoid an argument. You will be disrespected continuously, they will talk to you like a dog, call you names and belittle you to the point of no return. They will belittle you in front of your kids, your friends, your coworkers…it doesn’t matter….they will continue to do these things to keep control of YOU!
So, if you think you are in this position or you even have friends that are like this, all I can say is every day you stay, every day you remain friends with them is a day you have wasted. You WILL get through it, YOU WILL reclaim yourself and rise back up. Do not put your happiness in the hands of someone who only wants to control you. Your happiness rests solely in YOUR hands.
I’ve told some of my story and trust me, it wasn’t easy. I never even told my family about these things. I had a busted mouth once and blamed it on my kid kicking me….you will lie….because you feel SHAME. Shame that you have let this happen to you. You feel shame to the point that you stay in this situation because it’s easier to stay, I was a college educated woman who could stand on her own two feet, yet I found myself in a relationship that was abusive in every way possible. I pushed off leaving him because I did not want to deal with him during a split. I knew there was going to be issues, he would pay me back some how for leaving. That divorce cost me thousands of dollars and I gladly gave my money away to get him out of my life. Did it stop there, no…it continued until he found his next prey. She wasn’t as blessed as me…..she nearly died because he beat her in the head with a hammer. Broke every bone in both hands with the hammer then took the hammer to her knees. He is in jail now for attempted murder and other charges. That could have been me….if not for mercy, prayers, and God on my side….that could have easily been me. If you are in a relationship like this or you see the red flags that I have described, then get out…move on and save yourself before it’s too late. Do not be another statistic ….get OUT! God Bless…
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